Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
