You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I CAN MOONWALK!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
