I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
