he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
