Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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