I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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