So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
