I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
