Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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