You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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