I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
