She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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