dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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