I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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