My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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