how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
