My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
