I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
