i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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