oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
