Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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