I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
