half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
