I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
