This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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