This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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