I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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