My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
