i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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