it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
