Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
