Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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