I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
