I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
