Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
