You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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