he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hippo gnu deer
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
