I love black thongs
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
