I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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