if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
