if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
