Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize