if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
