I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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