counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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