guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
