paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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