just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
