Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
