Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
