I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize