She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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