I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
