Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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