so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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