If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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