Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
