i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
